Eric And Chuck Go To Saks
by cadkins08
Summary: With a take on the cult classic, Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle...EACGTS tells what happens when brotherly bonding, pot, 50-year-old brandy, and girls are mixed. C/B E/J E/V a minute of E/B It makes you ask your self WHAT WOULD CHUCK BASS DO?
1. Chapter 1

-1As the credits began to roll, the faces of the semi-stoned, semi-drunk Eric van der Woodsen and Chuck Bass fell. Around two hours ago, when Chuck had suggested they toke up, Eric suggested that they watch _Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle_. The movie was better than Chuck had remembered it to be, but that could be because he not only was high, but he had drained half a bottle of 50-year-old brandy. Eric, who had never had a drink in his life, choked back the first gulp, then warmed up to the strong liquid.

"Good pick, Eric." Chuck was sarcastic.

"What do you mean?" Eric looked at Chuck, who looked mad even though he had been laughing seconds before.

"That was the shortest movie ever." Chuck replied.

"True…" Eric too had found the movie unsatisfying short. "But I am so high."

"Not low." Chuck added. "So, what the hell are we supposed to do now?"

Eric contemplated it for a moment.

The two would have never normally been high and drunk, doing nothing on a Friday night, but everyone else was gone. Chuck's dad was in LA for a meeting, and the female members of their conjoined family was at some fashion show in Paris. If it would have been a weekend before Nate found out about Chuck and Blair, Nate would be sitting right where Eric was.

"I am so sick of these clothes." Eric said, out of the blue, pointing to the green polo shirt and cargo pants.

"You better keep them on!" Chuck replied, his eyes wide.

"I wish my mom would let me buy my own clothes." Eric wasn't listening to Chuck.

"You are such a dork. Your mom buys your clothes?" Chuck asked, laughing.

"My mom is a psycho." Eric replied.

"Your mom is hot." Chuck stated.

"You know what?" Eric turned to look at Chuck.

"What?" Chuck's tone was sarcastic…he was unsure of what Eric would say next.

"Lets go shopping!" Eric exclaimed, his words slurring as he jumped up.

"And I though Serena was gone for the weekend…"Chuck muttered under his breath as he followed Eric out of the apartment.

_**A/N: I promise that next time it will be so long it will be crazy…but I just wanted to get this out. **_


	2. Donut Stop

"Crap!" Chuck exclaimed as they waited on the elevator.

"What?" Eric asked.

"I forgot my cell phone." Chuck said, not noticing how much he sounded like Kumar from the film he had just finished watching.

"Too bad. We're not going back." Eric replied as they looked back.

"Alright." Chuck rolled his eyes as the elevator opened.

Chuck walked in first. Not paying attention to Vanessa Abrams, who was also in the elevator. Eric, who had meet Vanessa, smiled.

"Hey, Vanessa." Eric greeted.

"Hey, Eric." Vanessa replied.

"Who the hell are you?" Chuck was watching the exchange, lost.

"Vanessa Abrams." She replied, holding her hand out.

Chuck ignored the hand, as he saw Eric's cheeks were pink.

"Chuck Bass." Chuck's words slurred a bit.

"He is my new stepbrother." Eric said.

"Oh, so you are the one Serena was talking about." Vanessa looked Chuck over.

"Serena talks about me?" Chuck asked, amused.

"To Blair." Vanessa replied, and Chuck's smile was momentarily gone.

"Well, we've got plans." Eric said, as the elevator doors opened to the lobby. "Talk to you later?"

Vanessa smiled, "Of course."

Chuck was already fifteen feet away from the elevator by the time Eric and Vanessa exited. Eric walked at a brisk pace to catch up with him.

"Do you like her?" Chuck asked, when Eric caught up to him.

"I think so." Eric answered. "What was up with you? Back there?"

"Nothing." Chuck replied. "I just don't want to talk about Blair."

"Oh- did your little Care Blair not reply to you eight hundred texts?"

"It was only three texts, Momma's Boy." Chuck retorted.

"That ends tonight!" Eric said with conviction.

"What ends?" Chuck asked.

"My being a momma's boy and you being a Blair stalker. Tonight, I will become the best dressed guy in the Upper East Side, and you will reclaim your position as biggest man-whore in the Upper East Side."

"Okay." Chuck sighed, it sounded good to him.

"Now, lets go shopping." Eric said, grabbing Chuck's arm and dragging him out of the hotel."And the least heterosexual thing ever said by a van der Bass goes to…DUN DUH DUN…Eric!" Chuck replied, mock enthusiasm.

Chuck was about to hail a taxi.

"NO!" Eric exclaimed. "Lets walk."

"Ugh…why?" Chuck asked, looking disgusted.

"Cause its more of an adventure that way." Eric answered.

"What are we? Indiana Jones and company?" Chuck was making a face but followed Eric as he started walking down the sidewalk.

"No, but maybe by tomorrow, we will be." Eric answered ecstatically.

"You are way to happy for an Upper East Sider." Chuck commented.

"Its just because I haven't slept with my best friend's girlfriend or anything like that yet." Eric replied, snickering to himself at his small blow to Chuck.

"Just wait." Chuck wasn't fazed by some overexcited, undersexed, smart-mouthed fourteen year-old.

"Ah!" Eric stopped in front of some small bakery.

"No." Chuck said before Eric got the chance to ask.

"Please." Eric pleaded, "PLEASE! PLEASE!"

People were staring as Eric started to make a scene.

"ALL RIGHT!" Chuck yelled, and pulled Eric into the bakery and away from staring people on the sidewalk.

"I love donuts." Eric smiled, looking at the glass shelves full of them.

"Good for you!" Chuck's tone was sarcastic, as the followed Eric to the counter.

"Can I help you?" The girl behind the counter asked.

"Yes!" Eric exclaimed. "I want a dozen glazed donuts."

"Your finest." Chuck added under his breath.

"Right." Eric said.

"Coming right up." The girl had the donuts ready in about two minutes.

She was ringing them up, when Eric put his hand in his back pocket.

"I forgot my wallet." He said, to Chuck.

"And that is my problem, how?" Chuck asked.

"Can I borrow your card?" Eric asked.

Chuck just sighed and pulled out his wallet. He gave his black AmEx to the girl.

"You are carrying them. And no, I don't want one." Chuck said as Eric grabbed the donuts, and Chuck took his credit card.

They were out of the store. Eric had a donut in his mouth when his eyes widened.

"Oh God." Chuck groaned, "What is it?"

"How do we get to Saks?" Eric asked.

* * *

**_A/N: Another short chapter so my promise of larger chapters will go on for the next one._**

**_Review...please_**


	3. We're WHERE?

"What?" Chuck asked, his voice rising. "You don't even know how to get there walking?"

"I don't know if it is because I am high right now or if it is because I don't get out much, but I have no idea where we are now." Eric answered.

Chuck looked around and realized that he, too, had no idea where they were.

"Shit!" Chuck exclaimed. "I don't know where we are either."

"Well, it cant be that hard, lets just keep walking." Eric said. "We've gotten this far."

"Oh, you are just saying that BS because we are lost." Chuck replied.

"You are even more rude when you are high and drunk, Chuck." Eric commented, before laughing, "Drunk Chuck. Drunk Chunk." He was giggling to himself.

"You are more annoying." Chuck muttered, rolling his eyes.

They walked quietly for a couple moments, even though they had no idea where they were. Eric just kept shoveling down his donuts.

"No fucking way!" Eric exclaimed.

"What?" Chuck asked before adding, "Watch your language, what would your mother say?"

"Blair!" Eric yelled ignoring the second question and pointed out Blair Waldorf getting out of a town car.

She turned around, considering everyone in the ten block radius heard Eric.

"Wait up!" Eric yelled, before grabbing Chuck and pulling him to where Blair had stopped.

"Hey, B!" Eric greeted, when they reached her.

"Hey, Eric." Blair said, happily before turning to Chuck, "Hello, Chuck."

"B." He nodded.

"What are you both doing?" Though the question said you both, Blair looked only at Eric.

"Going shopping." Eric answered smiling.

Blair gave him a genuine smile. And Chuck got jealous of his annoying little step-brother.

"So, Blair, what are you doing?" Chuck asked.

"Going to see Nate." Her tone was icy.

"So, he came crawling back to you?" Eric asked, lacking the sarcasm that would have normally came with that question.

"I would imagine it was Blair on her knees, not Nate." Chuck replied.

Blair sent him a death glare.

"Ooh!" Eric was watching them intensely.

They stared evilly at each other for a moment not saying anything.

"Well-" Eric stretched out his words, "we better get going. See you, Blair."

Eric grabbed Chuck's arm and tried to drag him away, but Chuck jerked away from him.

Chuck grabbed Blair's shoulder, and planted a hard kiss on her mouth.

"Now, you can go see Nate." Chuck released her, and started to walk away, before turning around, "And just so you know B, if you ever feel like getting on your knees again, I wont even require you to have the title of girlfriend." Chuck was smirking as he and Eric started walking.

* * *

"Alright. We've been walking for around an hour." Eric said.

"I know. I am starving, give me one of those cursed donuts." Chuck replied.

Eric opened the box he had loyally toted.

"Its my last one, do I have to?" Eric sounded like a three year old.

"You ate twelve donuts?" Chuck asked, surprised.

"They-They were good." Eric answered, a smile spreading across his face as he remember the donuts.

"Give me the donut." Chuck commanded.

Eric grudgingly handed over the large glazed donut.

"This is good." Chuck said after his first bite.

"This is good." Eric mocked, "I am Chuck Bass and I take my little brother's donuts."

"Shut up." Chuck replied, though his mouth was full and it sounded more like 'Suh Uph',

Eric stopped and put his arm in front of Chuck to stop him also.

"Chuck-" Eric's tone was frantic.

"What?" Chuck asked taking another bite of donut.

"Have you looked at our surroundings lately?" Eric asked.

Chuck shook his head, "No."

"Look around."

Chuck looked around, his eyes widening and his mouth dropping so that the bite of donut dropped out.

"There is no way-" Chuck started before gulping, "WE'RE IN BROOKLYN!"

* * *

"You know, there is some good to this." Eric said.

"What could be good about it?" Chuck asked, "That we're not in the Bronx?"

"Just calm down." Eric said, "Hey! Look over there, those guys look like a lamer version of us."

Chuck's eyes wandered to where Eric's were. Across the street, two guys who looked a lot like Eric and Chuck were entering a Korean store. Chuck and Eric watched them through the store's window as the guys pulled on two black ski masks and pulled out guns.

"Oh crap." Eric muttered.

"Lets walk." Chuck said, though they both started to run.

When they were blocks and corners away from their criminal clones, they slowed to a walk.

"So, what was that good you were harping about?" Chuck asked, while he was trying to catch his breath.

"Jenny lives in Brooklyn." Eric smiled and lifted his eyebrows suggestively.

"I thought you liked that Vanessa chick?"

"Don't even start with me about liking only one girl." Eric warned.

"Whatever." Chuck said, "Anyway, I am sobering up. Next bar we see, we're making a stop no matter where it is, _Donut Boy_."

"Okay."

Luckily for Chuck, a bar was sitting around 10 feet ahead of them. They went in, and Chuck went straight to the bar.

"Strongest thing you have." Chuck told the bartender as he pulled out his wallet.

"I need your ID." The bartender replied.

"How's this?" Chuck asked, slamming two hundred dollar bills onto the counter.

"Alright, but only you, because you look older, but not him." The bartender said, tilting his head towards Eric, who was grinning like an idiot.

"Fine with me." Chuck said, as the drink was poured in front of him.

"I love this song." Eric said, as Panic At The Disco's new single played in the bar.

Chuck wasn't about to admit it to Eric, but he liked the song, too. It reminded him of his and Blair's affair. And the lead singer looked like him, which made Chuck say that Brendon Urie was one lucky bastard.

"Whoa." Eric had stopped singing under his breath and was staring down the bar.

Vanessa was sitting at the end of the bar, milking a glass like Chuck's.

"How'd she get liquor?" Chuck asked, finishing his.

The bartender started to refill Chuck's glass but Chuck waved him away, as he got off the stool and walked to Vanessa.

"How did you get alcohol?" Chuck asked.

"I'm 21." Vanessa answered.

Chuck gave her a 'Yeah…right" look.

"Fake ID." She said.

"For a friend of Dan The Man, you aren't that much of a goody goody." Chuck commented.

"I think you're great." Eric said.

"Thanks."

"Can I do something?" Eric asked.

Vanessa looked confused but said, "Sure."

Eric kissed her.

Chuck looked away.

"Damn, little van der Woodsen!" Vanessa breathed as Eric pulled away. "I hate that I have to go meet my sister."

"Me, too." Eric replied.

Vanessa got up and left, after promising Eric she would call. Eric watched her like a pathtic puppy.

Chuck rolled his eyes, and finished Vanessa's drink.

"Chuck?" a male voice sounded happy to see him.

He turned to see the person who had unknowingly lost him Blair.

_To be continued…definitely…_

**_A/N: MY LONGEST CHAPTER EVER!!! Yeah me! And it only took me forever and an episode of Steven's Untitled Rock Show featuring Panic At The Disco to do it...so please appauld this feat of mine and REVIEW!_**


	4. Club Queen

-1 He was looking at himself. The mirrored wall was a try at classy that just wasn't working.

"No, over here." The voice said.

Chuck turned around to see the king of Brooklyn, Dan Humphrey.

"Dan!" Eric greeted, giving his sister's boyfriend a hug.

"Hello, Dan." Chuck said.

Before Serena had became his step-brother, the only time Chuck had ever talked to Dan had been once to ask him if he was following Chuck and Nate.

"So, what brings the van der Basses to Brooklyn?" Dan asked.

"Only your finest hotels, and up-scale apartments, of course." Chuck retorted.

Eric punched Chuck's shoulder…hard.

"We got lost." Eric corrected.

"In hell." Chuck muttered.

"Serena home?" The question was asked to Eric.

"Not yet." Eric answered.

"How would we know? We've been lost for over an hour!" Chuck exclaimed, slamming his fist down onto the bar.

"What did that counter do to you?" Eric asked.

"As much damage as a brick wall." Chuck was holding his throbbing hand, "I didn't know Brooklyn had quality wood counters."

"Just because we're middle class, doesn't mean we're poor." Dan said.

"_Po_tato, po_ta_to." Chuck replied.

"Well, do you need directions?" Dan asked.

"They would be helpful." Eric answered.

They left the bar and Dan offered to walk them to the subway.

Eric and Dan were talking about Serena and Jenny, when…

"OW!" Chuck exclaimed, his hand going to his forehead.

"What is it?" Dan looked at him, "The rain?"

"No, the hail." Chuck replied. "How ironic! Its hailing in hell."

"We better go in somewhere until the hail stops." Eric said, and they ran into the club across the street.

A flashing neon light above the door said, "Club Queen", Dan had never even seen the club before.

They got inside.

"Dan-" Chuck started.

"Yeah?"

"You notice anything _funny_ about this club?" Chuck asked.

Dan looked around at the dancing mass, which Dan noticed was all male. Some were wearing elaborate costumes and others decked in leather. The colorful strobe lights were cued to the music pumping from the speakers, which happened to be _I Will Survive. _

"Oh my god." Dan said slowly.

"Lets call a cab." Eric suggested, pulling out his phone, "Shit! I have no service. Do you, Dan?"

Dan hurried to pull out his own phone, "NO!"

"Alright, Dan and I will look for a pay phone." Eric said.

"What am I supposed to do?" Chuck asked.

"Get a drink." Eric suggested as he and Dan walked towards a hallway that said, 'Bathroom'.

"Excellent suggestion." Chuck replied under his breath, but as he realized the only available bar stool was between a wall and a huge biker dude that he added, "Or not."

"Strongest thing you've got." Chuck said for the second time that night to the bartender, who was wearing a very S&M leather outfit, as he took a seat beside the biker.

He received a tumbler of whiskey that looked strange compared to all the bright drinks in martini glasses that everyone else had. He took a huge drink, noticing out of the corner of his eye that the biker was staring at him.

"What brings you to Club Q, sexy?" the biker asked in a super feminine voice.

Chuck wanted to run from the bar, but instead, "I'm not gay, I came here to support my friend, this is new for him."

"Oh, they are so cute when they come out," at the words 'so cute' the biker flicked his wrist, "Where is your friend?"

"Trying to find a payphone." Chuck answered. Chuck finished off his drink, and looked back to see Eric and Dan approaching.

"There he is. He is the one with the brown hair and nerd qualities." Chuck smirked.

"Oooh." The biker sounded excited.

"We couldn't find a phone." Dan said.

"Are you a parking ticket?" The biker asked Dan.

Dan looked confused, "Uh, no."

"You should be, because you've got FINE written all over you." The biker winked at Dan and added, "I can make the new experience the best in your life."

Chuck was snorting behind the hand he had clamped over his mouth.

"This is my song!" The biker exclaimed as 'I'm Coming Out' came on, though before rushing off to join the dancers, gave Dan his card.

"What the hell did you tell-" Dan paused to read the hot pink business card, "El-Ay Daubin?"

"Nothing." Chuck replied, trying not to smile, "But if you go into a gay bar, people sort-of automatically assume that you are gay."

"You were behind that." Dan said.

"I didn't do anything but drink." With that, Chuck picked up his empty tumbler.

"Yeah, and you're a virgin, too, right?" Dan retorted as he sat on El-Ay's stool.

"Just because its sex, doesn't mean its intercourse." Chuck commented.

"You are such a smart ass." Eric laughed.

"I don't know about the smart part, but I cant argue about the ass…" Dan muttered under his breath.

Chuck didn't reply because Dan yelled, "BARTENDER!"

The bartender shuffled over.

"Is the manager or owner here?" Dan asked.

The bartender nodded.

"Can you get them? We need to use a phone." Dan replied.

"For you, sweet-thang? Of course." The bartender shuffled off.

"You suck." Dan stated to Chuck.

"What did I do, sweet-thang?" Chuck asked, putting on a mock look of innocence.

Another bartender refilled Chuck's drink, and it took him about ten seconds to consume.

"You drink a lot." This bartender had a voice like El-Ay.

"What can I say?" Chuck replied, "I'm a thirsty boy."

"Interesting." The bartender winked before going off to some guy calling him.

The first bartender came back with a very beautiful Latin woman. She was scantily yet sexily dressed in a tight silk mini-dress, and sex-kitten heels.

"Can I help you boys?" her voice was heavy with accent. "I am the manager, Carmen."

"W-W-We need use of a phone." Eric stammered.

Even Dan, who had a girlfriend he was in love with, was staring at her.

"Do you all need to use it or just one?" She asked, "Because my office is kind of cramped."

"Just one." Eric called quickly before Dan or Chuck had a chance.

He basically jumped out of the stool, to follow Carmen to her office.

"That boy is desperate." Chuck said, minutes after Eric left.

"He's not the only one." Dan smiled, when they saw Eric coming back, Carmen's red lipstick faintly coloring his lips.

"Is a taxi coming?" Dan asked.

"They weren't home." Eric answered distractedly.

"How did you end up here?" The bartender asked as he refilled Chuck's drink.

"I have two theories." Chuck replied, "Its either that I have died and gone to hell, or I am alive and God is punishing me."

"Aren't you a little drama queen?" But instead of being put-out, the bartender sounded excited.

"Don't you mean king?" Eric asked.

"No." The bartender walked off.

"We've got TO get OUT of here." Eric said.

"We should have called the taxi company instead of playing lip lock with some border hopper." Chuck replied.

"Well, I got into the office and I asked myself 'What Would Chuck Bass Do?'" Eric replied.

"Well-" Chuck started, " I cant blame you there. But you should have called the taxi first."

"I know." Eric replied defeated. "But you can't exactly think about taxis, when you around someone as hot as Carmen."

"Hear! Hear!" Chuck said, mockingly cheering, and finishing off his drink.

"I'm going to go see if the weather is any better." Dan said, getting off his barstool.

Dan made it about two steps away from the bar before El-Ay grabbed his waist, shouting, "EVERYBODY CONGA!" Dan was pulled into the conga line, and El-Ay held him firmly there.

Chuck doubled over laughing, so he didn't hear Dan's shrieks of "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"Serena's got some competition." Chuck said, between laughs.

He sobered for a moment before the conga line broke up and El-Ay hoisted Dan on his shoulders.

Chuck resolved into laughter again.

Somehow, Dan had finally gotten away from El-Ay.

His eyes narrowed as he reached Chuck, "If I didn't like you before, I hate you now."

_TO Be Continued…Where else would the FUN be????_

_**A/N: Hola! I found out that Spanish II is more useful than just being an absolute bore…it gets the creative juices flowing. It will be next week when I repost…and hopefully I will have this almost finished…**_


	5. A Run In With B Equal Some Loving For C

"It's stopped hailing." Eric said after going to check.

Dan bounded toward the door, walking faster than normal so that El-Ay couldn't get the chance to grab him again.

Chuck threw down some bills unto the counter and walked slowly out.

"Thank God! Its stopped." Dan exclaimed throwing his hands in the air.

"Why?" Chuck replied, "El-Ay to much woman for you?"

"Oh, you told him I was gay." Dan grimaced.

"I didn't but you should tell Serena, that kind of thing can ruin a relationship." Chuck commented.

Dan just shot him a dirty look.

"I think I'm going to go home." Dan said.

"Alright, see you." Eric smiled as Dan started to walk away.

"You want to hail the taxi?" Chuck asked.

There was no need because a taxi zoomed to a stop in front of them.

"I think that things are about to get better." Eric stated, holding the back door open for Chuck.

Chuck slid in before replying.

"Oh…Hello."

Eric got in to see Blair looking at them.

"Hey, B. This is a happy surprise." Eric smiled at her.

She sent him a kind smile that went away as she turned to look at Chuck. "Chuck Bass you are the biggest ass."

"That's what the B in Bass stands for." Chuck smirked.

Eric wanted to say something but he was clueless as to what to say.

Blair was glaring at Chuck disgustedly, while Chuck looked at her seductively. She wanted to cuss him out, and he wanted to make out. Blair's mental bashing and Chuck's mental…well you get the idea…was interrupted when they heard.

_"Its nine in the afternoon, your eyes are the size of the moon."_

They both looked at Eric, who was looking out the window singing under his breath.

"_You could cause you can so you do." _Eric cut off when he noticed that they were staring.

"Can a cool white boy sing Panic At The Disco in peace?" He asked his eyes wide.

"If you were cool, maybe." Chuck answered.

"Eric's cooler than you." Blair replied.

"Only if you stuck him in a freezer." Chuck said rolling his eyes.

"You are." Blair mouthed behind Chuck.

"You want me." Chuck said turning to look at Blair.

"Yeah right." Blair replied as Chuck leaned smugly back into the seat.

"Prove it." Chuck challenged.

"Alright." Blair smiled as she leaned across him. She jerked Eric to her and kissed him hard on the mouth.

Chuck counted to three before he pushed Eric from Blair.

"I still don't believe you." Chuck smiled before looking at Eric, "Every girl we see, little bro."

"I don't mess around." Eric smirked, "Or maybe I do?"

"Kiss me." Chuck's attention was back to Blair, "Show me physically that you don't like me."

She was about to tell him off but she slowly brought her lips to his. It was supposed to be just a peck but Chuck's hands were in her hair holding her to him. Blair was stiff for a long moment that Chuck was about to give up but she relaxed and gave a small moan as her hands went around his neck.

As soon as she started to kiss him back, he pulled away with a smug look on his face.

"Told you." He smirked.

"I hate you." She scowled.

"Only mentally, darling." Chuck was smiling.

Blair had a smirk of her own, "Driver, pull over."

"What are you doing?" Eric asked.

"Get out, Eric." Blair replied.

Eric knew how Blair could get, meaning he didn't need telling twice.

"Now you." Blair said pushing Chuck, who grabbed her arms and kissed her quickly before getting out of the taxi, slamming the door with a wide smiled.

"Where are we?" Chuck asked.

"NYU, sweetie." A girl with hardly any clothes on said as she passed them.

"More like the Red Light District." Eric commented watching the girl.

"You guys here for the party?" A college guy with his arms loaded down with beer and other various alcoholic products.

"Yeah." Eric was quick to answer, holding the door open for the dude.

* * *

_**A/N:**_** OH MY GOSH! I am so sorry that it took so long and I hardly gave anything…its not that I don't have anything its just it is in a notebook and I have typed it up…so REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW And I just MIGHT give you some more. **

REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW

Oh and if you happen to know the song that was playing on Victor/Victorla during the hottest B and C scene ever could you write that in your review...


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